Old VS New Part 1
by RandomDustBunnyzAngel
Summary: Cause I'm sure this title WILL be useful again, A sure stupid parody type thing -that is only a parody because it fits into no other category- for chap 525. Don't like bad jokes? Don't read.


**This one is better than last weeks! Which is weird cause I didn't work on it until Sunday, my dad's been sick with the flu (He is the weakest link) and I've been taking care of him, plus I've been into Tokyo Magnitude 8 and working on a Soul eater one-shot/drabble.**

**Warnings: Foul language, poor writing, bad jokes, OOC-ness. blah blah blah.**

**Thankies to: Yuti-chan (THANK YOU!DANKE!),Princess-Zathura and QueenOfFanficWorldLoveGunner *HUG!***

**Disclaimer: I don't own NARUTO Masashi Kishimoto does as well as TvTokyo.**

**0 0 0 **

Kabu-maru sat on the ground in some forest place with Anko laying behind him, typical scene no different from before. Except for one thing.

_**DECEASED**_

Large red letters flashed on the screen of a 52 inch flat screen TV, there were no cords connected to it except for the ones leading the controller Kabuto held, so it was probably running on sparkles or chakra or the blood of orphans.

"Son of a whore!," The glasses character cursed, "This is why I hate game lags!," he threw the game controller at the TV and grumbled while the medics butt-snakes sweated at their host, such a strange decoration that one was.

**In the Desert**

And in the desert of Suna there was the Mummy man Mu, doing what mummies do best, summoning OTHER mummies while under the control of a kids cheese experiment.

Brendan Fraser's around here somewhere with a torch, a gun, a hot chick and a British guy.

Three coffins rose out of the ground all spinney like before they opened revealing three old guys.

Speaking of alcoholic British guys who scared many a squishy American child, who's the guy in the middle? and why does he look like a prime example of why inbreeding is bad? (Oh an inbreeding joke, I'm high class now)

"A desert...really?," The third Raikage (Killer-bee's daddy) said.

The second Mizukage smirked and uneven smirk,"I know, it's so hard to fight with your arms stuck to your sides," Seriously why does he look like that, he's unnerving.

"It's hard to fight with anything stuck to anything," Mu said with a bit of humor in his voice.

"So are you the one that brought us here?," Raikage asked the bandaged ninja.

"Uh, well kinda, in the sense that I summoned you though did it unwillingly,"

"..." the other kage blinked at him, not understanding what he meant.

Mu sighed, "This is the second Hokage's Jutsu that summons the dead from the afterlife and binds them," I knew the Second was evol, just look at Danzo,"It sucks but we technically have no control over our own bodies anymore," he explained.

Tiny Moustache man narrowed his eyes in suspicion,"You seem to know a lot about it..." he paused for a second before his face lit up with realization ,"H-hey! you're that Mu guy I killed!," ew spewdom! and he's spitting too.

"Yes, and I killed you remember," The Tsushikage rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"Oh yeah," The Mizukage said dumbly.

"Dumbass," Mu grumbled, turning to the other kage.

"So if it's the second hokage's jutsu where is he? I don't see him anywhere and I don't sense him either," The raikage said with little interest.

Mu shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly, "I'm not sure, the only chakra source is that of a large army and a guy who's chakra is very similar to," he motioned towards the red head of the group, "his,"

Said red head glared at the bandaged kage,"I am the fourth Kazekage, and I heard all about you people from my village elders," Good for you but how does that help us?, "In my day, the second hokage had been dead for many ,many years," so you are useless,"AM NOT! I know that Orochimaru is the only other person that knows the jutsu!,"

So does the rest of the world there Dick **(1).**

Unbeknownst to the group of Zombji an eye made of sand was watching them from afar.

_'There's four of them...One is-,' _

"Dick," Gaara scowled angrily at the enemies he was to face. Finally our boy Gaara will be able to get revenge on his bastard Father for trying to kill him.

The NEW and improved and slightly epic Kazekage rose a hand to his troupe.

"And there's the signal," Temari took note of her brother subtle gesture.

"would it be so much trouble to just tell us it's time to go?," Shikamaru flinched back from the glare given by the blond.

"The-these guys are supposed to be the strongest Ninja in history right?," Choji stuttered.

"Yup,"

"I think I peed my pants,"

"You know it makes me wonder why the villages didn't go to greater lengths to keep their bodies away from people like Orochimaru or Kabuto or Kabuchimaru...Glasses-character," Temari put her hands on her hips as she looked to the boys for some kind of answer.

"Your village is no different," The Nara scoffed.

"Say that again!,"

**And we skip over toooooo-**

Tsunade, Oonoki, A ,the other kage's and a few other ninja sat at a table as they were briefed on the current situation by the Perm machine guys in the corner of the room.

Showing that aside from the occasional input from teenagers and other random characters, this chapter's going to be nothing but old people talking. Hurray for old people.

When suddenly-

The perm machine guy, different from the first one, shouted,"We've been contacted by the 4th division! They've spotted four enemies in the desert-desert," his voice echoed, "The second Mizukage! The second Tsuchikage! The Fourth Kazekage!,"

"This is Mu's work no doubt, that's how the number jumped from none to four in just a few minutes," Oonoki rudely interrupted the girly-man with a hair fixation.

"It seems you stopped before telling us who the last Zombji was ,partner," A's sudden interest in others rose eyebrows and earned a few questioning glances.

"It's the third Raikage, sir,"

Tears pricked in the strong mans eyes,"You mean daddy?," It's his daddeh!

Everyone looked at him, some intrigued at the Raikage's sudden change in character, while the rest sat there in their seats confused and a bit scared.

"this is not going to end well," Tsunade muttered in a peep.

On the other side of the room was Ao AKA Ice cream cone head, and Some random stock guy, you've seen 'em before you know what they're like!

"Ao! The white thingies are all over the place! It's too hard to separate out the enemies!," A very loud stock character yelled.

"The white things are the enemies you dolt!," Ao yelled back, feeling annoyed at the boy for shouting when he was right next to him.

"Ooooh so that's why they're attacking our troupes and are about to collide head on with Darui's division,"

Ice cream head scoffed,"Duh!," he looked back to bubble,"I'll filter out the Zombji's for you though,"

"Aww thank you, so sweet,"

"Fool!,"

Back on the other side of the room

bodies of random ninja lay strewn about, as the kage hid under the table trying to avoid the wrath of the rampaging A and his mighty muscles of doom.

With Ao

"Oh no the enemy is heading towards Darui!," Guess who, yelled out.

"I Already said that!," random stock character of this chapter ticked.

"i know but it has more relevance coming from a character that actually has a name," the smugness level is over 9000!

"AAHHH!,"

Brain?~! or is it just the snot bubble of infinite knowledge? YOU decide!

_"They're super-duper powerful,"_ the ice cream man voiced over the scene of a thousand white Zetsu walking out of the water like that one scene in Twilight (that would've been a good joke until the mentioning of Twilight).

You can tell they're strong because they have spikes on them and aren't just half formed blobs.

"They're coming, signal the troupes," Dasui ordered the two ninja closest to him.  
"sir," That one looks a lot like Genma from behind.

"Woah, there's so many," TenTen gasped, as she stood next to Chouja and Haisha or Hiashi, is it only weird to me that there's a sixteen year old girl standing next to thirty/forty year old guys?

"My byakugan, which is vastly superior compared to any of your mediocre skills TenTen," said girl twitched at the Hyuuga's insult , "Sees a load more enemies under the surface of the water, oh and those super strong high rank ninja zombies are among them but they're not important because-," he let another ninja take over

"The white Zetsu` are buff," Tango look-alike cheered. Finally characters got some muscle, GADOOSH!

"Hiashi, o-over there!," another Hyuuga pointed out to their boss.

"Can it be?~!," Hiashi gapped in disbelievingly.

"What do you see?~!," Chouja asked panicky.  
On the water amongst the Zetsu was not only Kakuzu Zombji but Asuma and Dan and Neji's

Dad and two big guys trying to blend into a peacock colony.

"Whoa is me!," TenTen fainted from the shock and fell back onto the hard rock ground.

"Oh no!," the one Ugly guy in the series cried.

"Who are they?," Good thing about stock characters is that they ask necessary questions.

"Well those two are Kinkaku and Ginkaku and I don't know who the rest of them are but damn do they look strong for dead guys,"

There was a bit of silence as the enemy zombji's slowly, ever so slowly, inched their way to the shore, when a squinty eyed stock character said randomly,"Wouldn't be able to help myself,"

His fellow troupe members shot him strange looks,"Anyway," 

**Back with the kage...Still alive Kage**

"What the hell are those two?~! Their chakras are incredible!," Ao spazzed in awe.

"What makes them so great?~!," Shikaku asked/yelled dropping in on the conversation.

"Apparently Kyuubi cheats on Naruto," Ice cream answered calmly.

"That could only be the cloud's Kin-Gin (slim Jim!) brothers! That's it, the release of these two signals that nobody is competent enough to fight them except me, the one character with brawn,"

"Please don't, you know you're the top character in command, yes you could probably save the troupes and yes you're more valuable out there than in here, but you have to stay if you don't...Nothing bad will happen except that Dasui and his group might die, but there must be sacrifices in war,"

_**War ar r**_

A began to shiver at the Nara's words. Okay It appears he's having some kind of seizure so while he's trying to not bite his tongue off we go into a bunch of military maneuver crap which excluding the diagrams that look like an ant covered in paint trying to locate a sugar cube made it, is pretty boring.

"Yeah, Gaara's division is, there," A pointed to the southern sector,"And Darui's division is there," he moved his finger towards the...Up sector, "And that's all I need to know since Kakashi has already kicked his quota of booty,"

"Quota?," Oonoki looked to Shikaku.

"Three,"

"But he only took down two,"

"I count dealing with Gai as an achievement in any contest," The Nara crossed his arms.

"But...Never mind," The white haired little egg man pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Man, no wonder your village hasn't fallen yet, you've got yourself some hard headed shinobi there Tsunade," The raikage nodded to the lady Hokage who made a scoffing sound.

"You can suck up later, now what're your orders?," she asked seriously.

"Let's charge into battle!,"

"Ya!," The group cheered.

"And try really hard not to die,"

"YA!,"

"And get snow cones!," Ao's assistant in yelling pumped his fists excitedly.

"Y-," The ninja paused thinking it over before shouting,"No!,"

"Aw,"

"well Inoichi I hope you got that!," Shikaku barked at the Yamanaka.

"Already made contact you loud mouthed son of a cockatiel," Inoichi said from underneath his helmet,"I informed Mifune about what happed with the Ambush troupe and they're on their way, and Shizune's splitting up her medics and sending them out to the other Divisions,"

"Since you're acting like a smart-ass, something I don't like, It's about time we commend you for your intelligence while at the same time pointing out that the Second Tsuchikage has a very powerful ability," Oonoki said mysteriously.

"What's that?," The shadow possession rose an eyebrow.

"Something that only an old crone could understand, because your head would explode just from the mere attempt at comprehension!," Tsunade laughed evilly.

"JUST TELL ME!,"

"He has...A blood-line expansion," Oonoki is trying to be ominous.

Shikaku gapped,"BUT THE THIRD IS THE ONLY ONE!-,...You're - the second can't have it too!," Is it the ability to make quick decisions?, "NO!," Oh so it's the flying thing.

Tsuchikage Dumpty narrowed his eyes,"It's neither...He has the ability to combine the elements of Earth, wind and fire," Let me guess he was your master, "Yeah,"

It's not hard to figure out ,these super powerful forbidden one person only technique things tend to go from man to random child.

"Don't you mean Teacher to Student?,"

No. 

**Back in the desert!**

Frenchy kage rolled across the ground in the fetal position, "I still don't get it!," he whined over and over.

The three remaining Zombji Kage glared at the second largest of the group, the one behind the Mizukage's crazy behavior,"Why'd you let him drink cactus juice again?," Mu glared at the Kazekage.

"I thought it was poisonous," Dick blinked at the chaos he'd caused.

"He's immortal now you moron it wouldn't work even if it was,"

Raikage's face held firm despite the laughter deep down inside him,"I feel it's bad, oh so sad, a fight would've been rad," (I tried mama)

As he tried to ignore other two's comments towards him, the red headed ninja looked over to his right, noticing an eyeball of crumbling sand floating above the distant rocks_,'Floating eyeball made of sand...Why does that seem familiar?,'  
_

**At some mansion place**

A group of emperor's or land lords with fans on their hands, stood inside a room of a grand imperialistic mansion.

"Man these shinobi are annoying," One of them grumbled.

"Yeah putting us in this filthy hobble," Said the man with birds on his fan.

"Trying to protect us, such arrogance,"

Mr dog doo fan man, who was fanning himself, chuckled, "It'll be fine, we just need to make sure we decorate them with medals, that's why there are shinobi and wars, to give the winners medals, so we can tell them apart from the losers," who are dead.

Outside of the mansion was the ever familiar still horribly malformed Black Zetsu, who was half in the ground half out, his single golden eye scanned the overgrown ground.

**"I can't find my contact," **he rasped. 

**End**

**(1) That's what I decided to name him since he's kind of a monster for trying to murder his own kid and I've always liked that name :3 hey it was either that or Hannible but I have a feeling it'll come to better use later.**

**Tip of the week: If you're white, do not jump on a trampoline and attempt to slam dunk a basketball, white people are not meant to dunk we're meant to wipe up the sweat of the good guys and bring them juice. **

**thank you for reading! Please review! or favorite whatever, JA NE~!**


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